Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
