I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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