I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
