grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
