dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
