I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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