My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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