I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
