I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
