the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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