So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
