Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
