I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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