no, he came in my armpit
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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