I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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