thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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