Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
