Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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