Christians are straight up FREAKS
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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