Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
