I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
