i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
