So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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