After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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