Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
