I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
