Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
