Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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