I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
