So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
