If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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