On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
