What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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