I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
