how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
