Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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