So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
