Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
