found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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