Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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