I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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