The best revenge is premature balding
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
