btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
