The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
