btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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