onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
