Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
