This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
