you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
