Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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