sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
